On Father’s Day, a church usher said at the door: “Here are red and white flowers. If your father is still alive, wear the red flower. If he is dead, wear the white flower.” I jokingly asked, “Can I wear both?”

You see, one morning when I was 17 years old, my father left home and never came back. He said he was going to work in Johor and would be back in a few days. The next day, he locked the front gates with an iron chain. From that day on, my siblings and I were harassed by money lenders and our house splashed with red paint.

As the eldest child, I had to deal with the aftermath of negotiating with loan sharks, contacting lawyers and making police reports. An aunt took us, but our lives were in complete “anarchy”. Looking back, I don’t know how we survived as teenagers.

Since my father left, I rarely mentioned him to others. He’d abandoned us as a last resort after losing money in the stock market. I thought I had no resentment, but a year after I received the Lord, I had a violent dream of beating him up and realised the unforgiveness was deep.

So I decided that to let go, I had to find out if he was dead or alive. With clues from a police friend, I went north looking for him. I was afraid at first, but kept praying 1 Corinthians 13’s “Love is patient and kind.” In the end, my dad was more frightened than surprised by my sudden “visit”. But for me, that meeting relieved me of a huge burden. I had found my answer at last.

After that meeting, I tried to keep in touch, but he kept changing his number and losing contact. So I decided to let go. I can only rely on prayer and God’s timing. Having a father who abandoned us has affected me spiritually, but I was still grateful for the love and care he showed us when times were good.

Paul’s teaching constantly reminds me to relate to my father with God’s love. He may owe a debt and owe me a father’s love. But all this has been paid for by our Heavenly Father’s love, and I only wish for my earthly father to come home one day.