I Don’t Want to Forgive Her!

I first met Freya through a Christian ministry in college. She was our team leader and many volunteers became close friends as we served together and looked to Freya for leadership. However, she often complained about another leader Carl, saying that his criticisms delayed our plans.

Eventually, Freya left and we had to work with Carl. We gradually discovered that he was objective and easy-going—unlike the image Freya painted. Slowly we realised that Freya had been playing politics, fabricating stories about Carl and instigating us to complain about him to the programme head.

I was sorely disappointed at this “Christian leader” whom I looked up to, but since she had left, I put everything aside and focused on the work.

The First Forgiveness

Many years later, the Holy Spirit reminded me of people I needed to forgive, including Freya. I thought I had forgotten what happened, but God knew I had to deal with my heart. The memories and disappointment stung again.

God spoke clearly to me through Matthew 6:14-15: “If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I realised that forgiveness is not conditional on someone’s admission of wrongdoing or request for forgiveness, because Freya had never apologised. I was called to forgive simply because God had forgiven me.

When I met my volunteer friends again, I told them I’d forgiven Freya. Some were incredulous, but I explained that God had led me to do it.

The Second Offence

Little did I know that I would soon be tested. Some time later, a fellow volunteer had lunch with Freya, and reported back that Freya had complained that the volunteers—including me—had formed exclusive cliques and purposely ostracised another girl.

This was now eight years later, but the emotions raged again. I was disgusted by Freya’s bad-mouthing. How could a Christian behave so badly? I wondered. Is she even a Christian? I tried to pray, but anger simmered in my heart, and I told God, I don’t want to forgive her!

At the next meeting with the volunteers, I told them about the lunch. One even asked, “I thought you had forgiven her?” But this time it was different, I reasoned, because she personally attacked me.

How Many Times Must I Forgive?

But I had no peace because I kept thinking about the wrongs Freya committed against me. The Holy Spirit, however, gently nudged me towards Matthew 18:21–22, when Jesus told Peter we are to forgive “not seven times, but seventy-seven times” and to do it “from your heart.” (v.35)

These verses taught me that each time the memory of Freya’s offence triggers my emotions, I can choose forgiveness. That means not repeating her wrongdoings to friends and colleagues, or seething in anger every time I thought of her. The emotions will not go away easily, but I need not wallow in them so much that they prevent me from forgiving her.

Changing into Christ’s Likeness

Recently, I bumped into Freya at an event and even chatted with her. Because I’d forgiven her, I felt no ill will against her. I even told myself I would help her if she needed it. But truth is, I’m still wary about working with her again.

Reflecting on this, I’m reminded of Bible teacher Gary Inrig’s words: “Forgiveness clears the ledger, but it does not instantly rebuild trust. Forgiveness isn’t the same as reconciliation, because reconciliation is earned.”

Till today, Freya has not admitted her fault. Regardless, I can continue to pray for her, because she is a sister-in-Christ and God is still at work in her life. At the same time, God is also working in me—to grow in mercy towards those who offend me.

Originally published in Faith & Life. Translated and used with permission.